The Fresh Persepctive

If you had asked me this 5 years ago Inwould have emphatically explained why it was Abraham Lincoln. While I still think he did some good things I am more conscious of the bad things that have been done by some of the more common historical figures. The things glossed over in history class. The moments of true pain and suffering these “great” people were privy to or took part in.

Lincoln freed enslaved people but he did not think that people of color were equal to white people. Teddy Roosevelt helped create and shape the national parks system but he absolutely hated native Hawaiian people and believed we had a heavenly mandate to occupy those islands. Washington and Jefferson both partook in the slave trade (Jefferson going so far as to contribute his own blood to the commercial enterprise). Historical figures cannot be judged by today’s standards but I can look back and see the bad they have done. So who is my favorite historical figure…

Well it’s probably that cat that was mayor of a small town. Or that crazy guy who everyone called the king of San Francisco (could have been another city but San Francisco seems right). Or perhaps we should look to fiction for some fun historical figures. Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, perhaps Dracula.

Or maybe we should give credit to the man who helped repopulate the earth before it was fashionable, Genghis Khan! As of 2003 0.5% of the population was descended from Genghis Khan. That is a lasting legacy. Granted Genghis Khan was a murderer and colonialist (I know he was not what you typically think of when that phrase is used but he did cut through swaths of China and Mongolia killing, raping, and pillaging much like the early Spanish, Portuguese, French, and English colonists).

Or perhaps we should come back to America and our presidents. John Tyler, America’s 10th President. Known for succeeding William Henry Harrison after only 31 days in office. Let’s set aside his staunch racism for a second and only look at the silliness of this man who accidentally became President. He did very little while in office but we need to look to his activities not in the Oval Office but in the bedroom. John Tyler fathered more children than any other President in history. He had not 5, or 10, but 15 children over 2 marriages. In fact John Tyler married a woman so junior to him that his youngest daughter Pearl died in 1947, she was 87 years old and died 157 years after her father was born. That being said we actually have to look at Pearl’s older brother, number 5 from Johnny boy’s second marriage, Lyon Gardiner Tyler, Sr. (1853-1935). Now Lyon was not as prolific in the child department as dear old dad but he did leave this mortal coil having spawned 6 little tykes, sadly none of them would meet old grandpappy as the oldest was born long after he died.

I need to pause here for a second and mention that Lyon was born before Abraham Lincoln became president. Granted he was only like 12 when Lincoln was assassinated but he grew up to be a staunch critic of Lincoln. So much so that he compared Lincoln to the Prussian royalty during WWI and said the German’s were probably right to oppose them. When the Virginia House of Delegates chose to adjourn in honor of Lincoln’s birthday in 1928, he said Lincoln was no hero and did not merit the honor. Sadly he died before we could get his thoughts on Lincoln compared to Hitler but I am sure he had a great opinion.

So anyway, Lyon has 2 marriages and his second child in his second marriage is born in 1928 (maybe getting upset about Lincoln gets him horny or something) and his name is Harrison Ruffin Tyler and he is still alive today. I am not sure his thoughts on Lincoln but he got a department at the College of William & Mary named after him.

So who is my favorite? Again based on just sheer ridiculousness I would say John Tyler. He was an asshole and thankfully was nothing more than a placeholder in American politics. That all being said I think it is funny, I despise him as a person along with his ideals and those of his Lincoln hating son but it is at least interesting and in no way idolizes him other then his ability to have very effective sperm and long lasting family members.